The last update on my website was about how I was starting counselling, and I have a confession to make. I dropped out. At the time I felt like a failure. I felt like I couldn’t update my website, because I wanted people to think that recovery wasn’t so difficult. I didn’t want people who would potentially benefit from counselling from being scared off by my negative experience, and having their recovery hindered as a result. I was scared that it would impact how people viewed me. Would they think I wasn’t trying hard enough? Would they think I was faking my Depression and Anxiety? Would the people who were there to support me before get fed up and leave me as a result?
Counselling for me didn’t work for a variety of reasons, and I think it more or less came down to being incompatible with my counsellor. I would have preferred advice and support about what I was going through, or had been through. Whereas my counsellor preferred to talk about my emotions in the moment. For a lot of people who struggle with how they view an event in their life, I’m sure it could be really beneficial. Except, I knew what these events made me feel. I didn’t need to turn my emotions into a creature or close my eyes and see where in my body I was feeling the emotion.
I was hoping that how she’d tackle the issues would change as the sessions progressed, but they instead remained grounded solely in emotions. Telling someone how I felt about a situation didn’t help me with dealing with a situation. I would have preferred to talk through my fears and anxieties, talk about how to prevent certain situations from happening again, or what to do in certain situations. While talking about emotions is beneficial, it wasn’t helpful being at the forefront.
It could have just been the counsellor, it could just be how counselling is. Either way it didn’t click, and I didn’t have the motivation to get out of bed to go to something I really didn’t enjoy. In a funny way though, leaving counselling did help me understand myself more. When I’m going through things, or seeking opportunities I have a really bad habit of building these events and opportunities up as being my only chance at something.
Before I had received counselling and not long after I quit, I felt like I had really blown my chances at recovery. It’s worked for a lot of people, and I really felt like I had failed in someway. It felt as though because counselling didn’t work, recovery would be impossible. When in reality that’s probably not the case. I could go back to medication, I could slowly try and push myself out there more and learn more about myself. I could return to counselling at a later date and see if there was a way of finding a counsellor that’d do it in the way I felt would work better. Point is, there are a lot of opportunities.
I’m currently trying to decide between two universities, and that Fear Of Missing Out (otherwise known as FOMO) is really making it difficult to choose. People always say to follow your heart, but what if your heart wants both? What if you don’t know what you deep down really want, or you do but it’s not one of the options you have? We all have to grow and accept that we’ll always be thinking about life in a ‘what if?’ sort of way. What if by choosing one university I’m missing out on a better experience at the other? What if by choosing the job I have now and turning down an interview somewhere else I missed out on something potentially great? What if I had stood up for myself back in my school years? What if..?
Sometimes we just need to remember that we generally do have more than one shot at things. Sure it might take ages and a lot of hard work to get that chance again, and maybe it’ll be presented in a slightly different way, but is that necessarily a bad thing? If we took that opportunity at the time, we might not appreciate it as much as we do now, and thus would’ve got less out of it. That’s the thing about life, we can’t see into the future and see what choice would’ve benefitted us best.
I studied Business at college, and really felt I had blew it when I realised it really wasn’t the course for me. That I’d be stuck in having to pursue a job in something I didn’t like. Instead, I used the experience to pursue an apprenticeship in something I do like, and which is leading me on to University. Just because there’s an obvious route to something like a particular career or opportunity, doesn’t mean it’s the only one. Just because medication and counselling haven’t worked for me (for very separate reasons) doesn’t mean that I don’t still have a chance to not be Depressed.